He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
All the doctor said was why
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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