Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
