No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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