Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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