i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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