I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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