DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
