Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
