Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
