i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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