I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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