I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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