Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
