I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
how drunk are you?
Several
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
