I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
