it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
