I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You are the jesus of drinking
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
