ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
