Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
