i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
