To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
