I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
