Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
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