remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
