Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
