I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Someone shattered a urinal.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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