mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
