If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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