did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We are two peas in an std pod
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
