Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
