He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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