got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
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He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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