i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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