i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
