The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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