anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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