and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
