Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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