Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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