Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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