Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
