I wish they made helmets for livers.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
