K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
