Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
