yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
