You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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