i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
