Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
