The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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