omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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