he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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