Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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