Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
