So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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