I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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