Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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