i think my tv is drunk
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
