Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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