I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
