Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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