I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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