He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.